


Way to the Dawn

by Alilyhn



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion, Rebuild of Evangelion | Evangelion: New Theatrical Edition
Genre: Angst, Bottom Kaworu, Canon Divergence, Emotional Sex, First Time, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Porn with Feelings, Top Shinji, Vague but optimistic ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-30 06:26:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17218667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alilyhn/pseuds/Alilyhn
Summary: Silence. Another unfamiliar ceiling. Shinji wondered how long he'd been lying there unable to fall asleep. The only sound he could hear was coming from the slow breathing of the boy in the bed next to him.Takes place during episode 24. What if Shinji had opened up just a little bit more to Kaworu?





	Way to the Dawn

**Author's Note:**

> This is really just extremely self-indulgent fluff (also smut) and I really hope you enjoy it. I originally intended this to be shorter when I started it but it got out of hand.

### 

 

Silence. Another unfamiliar ceiling. Shinji wondered how long he'd been lying there unable to fall asleep. The only sound he could hear was coming from the slow breathing of the boy in the bed next to him.

Kaworu.

Shinji recalled the words the boy had said to him again.

_‘I love you.’_

_‘I was probably born to meet you.’_

Such kind words, he’d kept them on replay in his mind thinking of them over and over as he laid awake. Words no one else had ever said to him. Shinji knew he didn't deserve them, but he still longed for them. 

Shinji recalled the warmth of Kaworu's hand on his, how nice it had felt. How it had made his heart flutter. He wanted Kaworu to hold his hand again. Was that strange? He turned his head toward the other boy, but unlike last time he didn't meet with red eyes looking back at him. Kaworu had his back to him now. Had he fallen asleep? 

"Kaworu..." he uttered barely above a whisper. He felt a bit guilty at the thought of waking him but he was so lonely, he wanted to be comforted, wanted to be close to someone and Kaworu had made him feel loved, wanted.

Shinji held his breath. One heartbeat. Two.

"What is it, Shinji-kun?" Kaworu shifted to look at him. Shinji couldn’t quite tell in the darkness, but he thought he could see a hint of concern in his soft features.

"Um, well..." Shinji felt his cheeks flush as Kaworu stared at him with expectant eyes, waiting for him to speak. Any courage Shinji had melted away under his gaze. "it's... nothing. Never mind I'm sorry for waking you..." Shinji said as he looked away from him. 

"Shinji-kun please, you shouldn’t be afraid to talk to me," Kaworu said softly. Was he reading his mind? His cheeks grew warmer still at Kaworu’s response. How did he always know the right thing to say? He closed his eyes tightly and furrowed his brow.

"I-I just wanted- I wanted you to hold my hand again..." Shinji's voice sounded weak and pathetic, tapering off into a small whisper. He kept his eyes shut as he waited for Kaworu to respond to him.

Something smooth and warm brushed against his hand.

Shinji's opened his eyes tentatively as Kaworu laced their fingers together, and he let himself relax. He let go of a breath he didn't know he’d been holding and met Kaworu's gentle stare.

_He's beautiful..._ he couldn't help but think as he studied the soft lines of his face. Was it odd to think such a thing about another boy? No. Because it was true. Kaworu was so beautiful.

They lie in silence for several long moments but it wasn't uncomfortable or awkward. It was nice. Simply holding his hand was enough. Shinji didn't want it to end. 

Kaworu's voice eventually broke the silence between them, "Shinji-kun you should get some rest, you'll be tired tomorrow. You'll need your strength,” Kaworu breathed quietly, Shinji thought he'd sounded a little sad. Although, maybe he'd just imagined it.

"Mmm," Shinji hummed in response. He didn't want to think about tomorrow or any days after. He wanted to stay in this moment forever. This moment where he didn't feel lonely, didn't feel scared. 

Kaworu's fingers lingered and brushed over his palm lightly as he finally pulled away. Shinji felt a pang in his chest again. Kaworu had rent his heart open with sweet words and a gentle touch. He'd found his way into his heart in such a short time. Shinji knew he should have been embarrassed or ashamed at how little it took for Kaworu to completely win him over but he couldn't. He had given him the things he'd longed for, for so long, and Shinji wanted to take all he was willing to give him. 

"Kaworu-kun... can I sleep in your bed tonight? Please?” Shinji was surprised at his own boldness, and he couldn't imagine how red his face must've been, and at that moment he was thankful for the darkness of the room. He was reminded of how Kaworu had so nonchalantly asked nearly the same thing earlier in the baths. He hadn't imagined then that he would have grown bold enough to make the very same request a few short hours later. Even if they were in the same small room together, the space separating them seemed infinite. Shinji wanted to be close with Kaworu. He wanted to be selfish just this once.

“Of course Shinji-kun if that is what you want,” He made a move to get up, surely intending to switch places with him, but Shinji stopped him.

“N-no Kaworu-kun I mean, with you...” Shinji said, his cheeks burning hotly. 

“Oh. Okay,” If Kaworu had been surprised by his request it didn't show. His face held the same pleasant smile Shinji had already grown so fond of. He shifted toward the far side of the bed giving Shinji as much room as the tiny thing would allow, and Shinji climbed into it, his back facing Kaworu. He wanted to be close to Kaworu but didn’t think he could take being so close face to face. _But why?_ Shinji had fantasized about and had had crushes on plenty of girls. So why did he find himself drawn to Kaworu, another boy? Why did Shinji want to be closer to him? Why did he make his heart beat fast? Why did he make Shinji feel nervous and on edge yet so warm and calm at the same time? 

_It’s because... I'm attracted to him. It's because… I love him too._

All of his confusion about his feelings melted away with that realization and everything made sense. Why did any of that matter? What difference did it make? Shinji loved him.

He was pulled from his contemplations when something touched him and started to snake around his waist. He flinched, tensing up. Kaworu had pressed himself to Shinji's back with his arm wrapped around him. He must have noticed him stiffen at the sudden contact. “Is this okay Shinji-kun?” He whispered. Shinji could feel his breath on the back of his neck causing him to tense up even further, and he could feel his heart pounding in his chest as he tried his best to relax.

“Y-yeah it's okay,” he managed to finally choke out. Kaworu tightened his hold around him and pressed his face into the back of Shinji's neck. He moved his hand up Shinji's chest, stopping right over his heart.

“Your heart's beating really fast. Are you alright?” there was a genuine concern in his voice that Shinji probably would have found amusing if he didn't feel like he might faint. 

“Y-yeah! I-I’m fine!” Shinji didn't know if that was a lie or not. He had hoped for something like this when he'd asked Kaworu to share his bed with him, but this was overwhelming. He didn't know how to respond. He wanted Kaworu to know how he felt too. He had made it look so easy.

“Are you scared?” 

“No,” that was the truth. Shinji wasn't scared of Kaworu. He trusted him.

“Are you nervous?”

_Yes._ but he didn't say it out loud. He didn't want Kaworu to hear how pathetic it would sound leaving his lips. 

The bed creaked as Kaworu shifted away from him before lightly putting his hand on his shoulder urging Shinji to turn around. He bit his lip and rolled over to face Kaworu. His features were marred with a light concerned expression. “What's wrong Shinji-kun?” Shinji didn't know what to do. He couldn't think of any beautiful words to weave together like Kaworu had so he did the only thing he could think of. He wrapped both his arms around him fisting his hands in the other boy's shirt and buried his face in his chest.

Again, if Kaworu was at all surprised at Shinji's actions he didn't let it show. He placed one had on Shinji's cheek and ran the other through his hair in response. Shinji reveled in the comforting warmth that washed over him as Kaworu ran his fingers through his hair with one hand and stroked his face with the other. _Is this what it feels like to be happy?_ he wondered as tears welled up in his eyes. _Why am I crying now? I'm happy right?_

Kaworu tilted Shinji's face up to look at him. He wore a peculiar expression now. Gone was the serene smile he wore more often than not, but he did not look upset or concerned. He said nothing but looked at Shinji with intense eyes of understanding. _He's perfect…_ Shinji shut his eyes tightly trying to push thoughts of how badly he wanted to kiss him now out of his head. All he would have to do is lean forward a bit and their lips would meet. _Should I?_ He wanted to so badly, but what if Kaworu hadn't meant _that_ kind of love? What if-

Shinji's barrage of doubts were cut short by warm soft lips pressing gently against his. Shinji melted. It was even nicer than he had imagined. He tentatively ran his hand up Kaworu’s neck and across his jawline memorizing every bit of him he touched before finding purchase in his soft snowy hair. Kaworu made a small noise in the back of his throat before tilting his head, deepening the kiss slightly. When he finally pulled away Shinji tried his best to memorize Kaworu's face at that moment. His hair was a bit disheveled from Shinji running his fingers through it and he looked at him through lidded crimson eyes. Shinji thought he could even see a hint of a blush on his cheeks. He looked so beautiful and Shinji wanted to remember the sight forever.

_I love you._ He thought. He wanted to hear Kaworu say those words again. Desperately, “Say it again Kaworu-kun. Please.”

Kaworu smiled brightly at him “I love you, Shinji-kun,” Shinji hugged him tightly, pressing himself against him, and Kaworu too wrapped his arms around him whispering words of comfort and placing light kisses on his face. He was finally able to find sleep like that. Tangled up with Kaworu in his too small bed. Just tonight he had forgotten about Asuka and Rei. Forgotten about his responsibilities and his father. He was warm and safe here in Kaworu’s arms. He was happy.

 

###### 

 

Kaworu could see the first light of dawn filtering in through the blinds of his tiny apartment. He hadn't slept at all. He inhabited a fragile human body that needed sleep, but he hadn't wanted to, for if he closed his eyes he would no longer be able to watch the boy in his arms sleep. If he closed his eyes this moment would end. Kaworu wanted it to last as long as he could make it.

Shinji looked perfect. When he slept all the troubled emotions he held inside left his face and he looked content. The boy had captivated him. A fragile thing so easily broken, but still so pure and kind-hearted. He wanted to protect him, to wipe away his tears and erase the feeling of loneliness in his heart.

Kaworu truly wanted to do these things for Shinji but deep down he knew he was only being selfish. That the closer he got to the boy the more he would hurt him in the end. He was an angel. His enemy. Kaworu hugged him tighter and brushed his lips against his forehead.

“Mmm… Kaworu-kun...” Shinji muttered still mostly asleep and Kaworu felt his blood run cold. This frigid sticky feeling, what was it? Fear? It was strange. Unfamiliar to him. Shinji seemed to be causing him to feel multiple lilim emotions he hadn't experienced before...

_Do I truly have to live this destiny?_ Kaworu had never been afraid to die. Never been afraid of anything. The very concept had been foreign to him just yesterday. He wasn't afraid of death or nothingness, but he did fear hurting Shinji. _I want to stay here with you. I want to see you smile._

He put his hand on Shinji's face and ran his thumb across his cheek while pressing another light kiss to his forehead in an attempt to wake him. Shinji nuzzled into his chest and groaned. _Precious…_ He tilted his head up and brushed his lips gently against Shinji’s. When he pulled away Shinji's eyes were wide open and his face had gone a bit pink. That had woken him up.

Kaworu smiled sweetly at him, “Good morning Shinji-kun,” he looked sleepy and confused. He looked around processing everything for a few moments before his face turned a deep shade of red when he realized the position he was in. He panicked and attempted to scramble away from Kaworu, but his arms held him in place preventing him from getting very far. 

“Ah-! Kaworu-kun…” he really was cute when he was flustered. “I'm so sorry… I don't know what came over me last night. I shouldn't have-!” Kaworu cut him off with another chaste kiss.

“Please don't be embarrassed, you were hurting and you wanted someone to be there for you. I understand. There's no need to be ashamed of that,” Kaworu's voice went soft, “You're only human after all,” Shinji stared at him with wide eyes as he spoke, “In fact, I'm happy you seem to trust me enough to find comfort in me like this,” he finished giving Shinji another sweet smile.

Shinji looked away from him. “How do you do that?”

“Do what?”

“How do you always know just the right thing to say? It's not fair…” Shinji muttered in a low voice.

“It must be because of how much I love you,” Kaworu replied quietly.

Shinji truly surprised Kaworu then for the first time since he'd met him. He gripped Kaworu by the collar of his shirt and crashed their lips together. This kiss wasn't like the others they had shared. It wasn't soft, slow or sweet. It was desperate, heated and needy. Shinji's lips were tender, soft and warm. Kaworu moaned into him parting his lips, yielding, submitting to him. Shinji could take whatever he wanted from him, could have as much of him as he wanted. Kaworu would let him have everything if he desired it. If it would make him happy.

Sexual desire, yearning to be one with another. It felt strange to Kaworu. He didn't have human wants or desires, or at least he'd thought he didn't. A heat pooled in his belly now, a fire burned in his blood fanned by Shinji's hot breath, and _this_ , he thought must be what it's like to want to touch another person, to want to become as physically close as possible. 

Shinji had begun to place open-mouthed kisses on his neck, and Kaworu was quickly becoming light-headed. This was all new for him, and it was too much and not enough at the same time. He thought maybe he had begun to understand why lilim enjoyed doing this kind of thing. 

_This isn't enough. I want- I need more._

Kaworu placed his hand on the small of Shinji's back and pressed their bodies flush together before grinding into him. He wasn’t sure why he’d wanted to do it, but it was good, really good. He wasn’t completely ignorant of lilim biology but the intricacies of physical intimacy were quite foreign to him. He thought it best to go with his instinct.

“Nn- ah!” Shinji cried out and electricity jolted through Kaworu as he rutted against him and felt Shinji's arousal brush against his. 

“Do you desire me Shinji-kun? Do you want to become one with me?” he breathed out in a shaky voice. His fingers teased at the edge of Shinji's shirt. He wanted to hear him say it. Wanted to know Shinji wanted him. 

Shinji groaned against Kaworu's neck and tugged at Kaworu’s pants trying to make it clear what he wanted without words. 

“No Shinji-kun,” Kaworu whispered grabbing his wrist and preventing him from going further. “Tell me, say it,” Kaworu almost felt bad about the flushed, terrified expression that appeared on his face. Almost.

“Mmmm Ka-Kaworu-kun…” 

“Yes?” 

“Please…” Shinji sighed rolling his hips against Kaworu's causing him to curse under his breath. “I… I want you,” heat surged through Kaworu as the words left Shinji lips. He covered Shinji's mouth with his and released his grip on his wrist. Shinji cautiously slid his hand into Kaworu's pajama bottoms pausing when he reached the bare skin of his inner thigh. 

“Kaworu-kun, I-I’ve never done this before…” Shinji whispered in a quiet breathless voice. 

“Neither have I,” Kaworu replied as he slipped his hands up Shinji’s shirt causing him to whimper. “We don’t have to keep going if you don’t want to,” Kaworu couldn’t deny that he didn’t want to stop, but if this wasn’t what Shinji wanted he wouldn't dream of pressing him for it.

“N-no! That's not-” Shinji stammered, “I do want to… but I-I’m...” Shinji had turned a very deep red by this point and he looked so fragile and helpless. 

_He's so delicate, I feel as if he might shatter if I hold him too tightly._

“It's like I said before Shinji-kun, trust me. Here, allow me,” he uttered quietly easing Shinji out of his shirt, and then his shorts. Kaworu looked at him then, really looked at him for the first time. He’d already seen him naked once before but he had not been thinking such salacious thoughts then, about what he wanted Shinji to do to him, about how he wanted to please him, give himself to him fully. Shinji was beautiful in the most human way, splayed out before him with flushed skin and eyes clouded with lust, and Kaworu acutely became aware of just how uncomfortable his pants were becoming. 

Shinji reached out for him, lightly taking hold of the edge of Kaworu's shirt before slipping it off him. He ran his hands down Kaworu's chest and stomach and it felt like his skin was being lit aflame where Shinji touched him, he allowed a soft moan to escape him. Shinji leaned forward and caught his lips in a heated kiss, his tongue slipping into Kaworu's mouth while his fingers played with the waistband of his pants.

_Still nervous aren't you?_

Kaworu broke their kiss and leaned in even closer to Shinji, lips brushing against his ear, and he whispered, “Do whatever you want to me Shinji-kun,” Shinji inhaled sharply, his nails digging into the skin of Kaworu's hips, “I'm yours,” Shinji hooked his fingers in Kaworu's pajama bottoms, and finally ripped them off him. 

Shinji hovered over him breathing heavily, staring at him in awe, eyes roaming over his body, taking in the sight of him until dark blue met crimson and Shinji was on him, kissing his face, his jaw, his neck, teeth scraping along his collarbone. Kaworu didn’t hold back his voice, he let himself keen, and whimper under Shinji's touch and he wanted to think of nothing but Shinji, he wanted the rest of the world to fall away, he wanted to be allowed to forget himself just for now. 

Shinji continued to lick and nibble at his skin until he reached the place where his hips met his thighs. He tilted his head to look up at Kaworu, a timid expression on his face, and he experienced another rush of desire wash over him. Shinji grabbed Kaworu's hips and his touch was awkward, inept. Kaworu took satisfaction in the knowledge that he’d been the first and only one Shinji had touched this way. He moved his hands along the insides of his thighs, silently asking them to part for him. Kaworu spread his legs for him eagerly, and Shinji _finally_ touched his aching arousal, fingers circling around it. A moan tore itself from his lips when Shinji leaned in and ran his tongue up his shaft.

“Ngh…! Shinji-kun-” Kaworu wasn't sure what he'd been expecting, not that. He suddenly became painfully aware of just how little he knew about lilim sex. He knew that this wasn’t something that two males typically did, but the taboos of lilim culture were unimportant to him. He loved Shinji, wanted to be with him, but Kaworu had wanted to pleasure Shinji, not the other way around, “You don't have to-”

“I-I want to, Kaworu-kun,” he tried his best to sound confident but his voice still sounded unsteady. “You said… that I could do what I wanted r-right? Well… I... want to.”

Kaworu blinked. His cheeks grew a bit hot, and for the first time in his life, he found himself at a loss for words. If Shinji wanted this he wouldn’t protest. He could feel his uneven breath on him for a few heartbeats before he took him in his mouth, swallowing down as much of him as he could.

“Ah-!” the sight of Shinji doing something so obscene to him was almost too much for Kaworu. He threw his head back, tangled his fingers in Shinji's hair, and resisted the urge to thrust up into him. Shinji slowly took all of him again and again. His mouth was hot, wet, and it felt heavenly wrapped around his cock. Kaworu struggled to maintain the little composure he had left. A white-hot fire roared in his belly, and a pressure coiled tight inside him like a spring. “Shinji-kun…!”

_No... I can’t… not yet…!_ Kaworu clutched desperately at the sheets around him and bit the inside of his lip hard enough to taste blood, hoping the pain would distract him from the immense pleasure. Just when he thought he wouldn’t be able to hold back any longer Shinji released him from his mouth, and Kaworu whined involuntarily at the loss.

Kaworu lifted his head up to look at him again, and Shinji was sat up on his knees looking back at him still with a bit of an embarrassed expression on his face. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it again before any words came out. 

“What's is it Shinji-kun? Don't be coy,” Kaworu couldn't see any reason to be bashful now, but Shinji certainly was the timid type when it came to intimacy.

“I-if we're going to- I mean- um… then-” Shinji stuttered unable to get a clear sentence out.

_I must admit that this type of thing is far from my area of expertise, but if he means to have sex with me then…_ Kaworu turned and dug around the small table behind his bed until he found the small jar he was searching for.

“You wanted something like this, yes?” he held it out to Shinji who took it from him and turned it over in his hands despite looking absolutely mortified, “Coconut oil, I normally use it for numerous other things, but I think it would suffice for what you have in mind as well,” Shinji's entire face grew blood red as he spoke, and Kaworu smiled. _How adorable, perhaps I really don't mind his coyness after all._

“Y-yeah… thank you,” Shinji finally stammered out as he popped the lid off and shyly coated his fingers in it. Anticipation rose up within Kaworu as he watched him. Shinji shifted his position so he could gently brush his lips against Kaworu’s, it was unhurried and delicate this time. He gasped against his mouth when he felt one of Shinji's fingers start to press into him.

“Hah-!” Kaworu bit back a moan.

“Kaworu-kun is this-” Shinji started, but Kaworu quickly cut him off.

_“Yes!”_ Kaworu hissed not caring what he’d intended to ask permission for.

_Yes Shinji,_ he was more human now than he’d ever been, savoring the feelings of bliss rolling over him in waves as Shinji worked him open, adding another finger, then curling and uncurling his fingers inside him. There was an ache, a burn that came with it, but it dulled and faded away into pure pleasure before long. Kaworu let out loud keening moans as Shinji bit into his neck and continued to touch him, and he was grateful that he had been given this lilim form, happy that he could share such physical intimacy with Shinji and indulge him like this.

_Whatever you want Shinji-kun, do whatever you want to me, anything._

Shinji moved again, sitting up on his legs, towering over him. He gripped Kaworu by his hips, pulling him over his thighs, and Kaworu could feel how hard he was against him.

“Shinji-kun…” Kaworu sighed and closed his eyes.

“Kaworu-kun...” Shinji’s voice was quiet, and steady now. Kaworu opened his heavy eyelids and met his gaze. His cheeks were still flushed, but he had a serious look on his face now. “Is this what you want?”

_What **I** want?_ It didn’t matter, his wants, his desires, they weren’t important. He wanted what Shinji wanted. He would allow him to take anything, everything if it would please him.

“If you want it, Shinji-kun, yes.”

“But what about you Kaworu-kun?” Shinji muttered.

Kaworu furrowed his brow and an unpleasant sensation bloomed in his chest. _Does Shinji-kun... Really care about me?_ Kaworu loved him, wanted to help him in any way he could, allow him to take from him, use him as much as he wanted, but he hadn't expected Shinji to feel anything genuine for him. Not now, not with how broken he already was. _You wish for me to heal the wounds others left upon your heart._

An icy coldness pierced him then. _It hurts…what is this...?_ Kaworu clutched at his chest and tears stung at his eyes, he had never cried before.

“A-are you alright?” Shinji reached up and wiped a tear from his face. 

Kaworu reached up and placed his hand on top of Shinji’s, “Do you really care about me? About how I feel?” His voice sounded unfamiliar to his own ears, small and weak.

“Of course I do! how could I not?” He could hear the hurt in his voice, and Kaworu felt another pang in his chest. “...I love you, Kaworu-kun.”

Kaworu thought his heart might burst, he was so happy to hear those words, but he could not help but feel despair grip him, for he knew he knew he had no future, _they_ had no future. He put his arms around Shinji’s neck and pulled him down until Shinji’s forehead rested against his. “I’m sorry...” He murmured in a broken voice.

“But … why? Why are you sorry? I don’t understand...” Shinji had a pained look on his face.

Kaworu didn’t answer him, _There’s no need to ruin this moment. This is what I want, you’re the only thing I’ve ever wanted._

“I love you too, Shinji-kun,” and he pulled him into a gentle slow burning kiss. Shinji buried his fingers in his hair and Kaworu traced his tongue against Shinji’s lips deepening their kiss. He let his hand drift over Shinji’s body, his shoulders, down his back, while his other trailed down his front before wrapping around his length. Shinji let out a choked moan, “I do want this, I want you so please,” Kaworu lifted his legs, and Shinji’s face turned a deep crimson color as he took the hint, grabbing the undersides of his knees and lining himself up with him.

“Make love to me Shinji-kun, become one with me, make me yours.” 

Shinji inhaled sharply, his eyes going wide, and he paused for only a moment before he pushed forward, and slowly began to sink into him.

A loud moan was ripped from his lips as Shinji slowly filled him, almost tortuously slowly and it felt amazing. Kaworu hadn't been sure that anything could feel better than Shinji’s mouth, but he’d been wrong. So very wrong. Shinji continued to push forward gradually until his hips were flush against Kaworu. He stilled himself there, waiting for Kaworu to adjust to him.

_One… with Shinji-kun..._

“Nn- you f-feel really good K-Kaworu-kun... D-does it hurt?” he was already breathing hard, already struggling to restrain himself.

_Even doing something like this… he's cute._

“No, perhaps this body was created just for you,” he smiled wryly at the expression that appeared on Shinji's face but before he could tease him further he started to move, causing Kaworu to let out small gasps and moans as Shinji slid in and out of him slowly, rolling his hips at a steady pace. Kaworu was reduced to a trembling, whimpering mess in no time, but Shinji was still holding back, trying not to hurt him he knew, but he wanted more, and it wasn't long before he was begging for it.

He flattened his palms against Shinji's shoulders, and brought his lips to Shinji's ear, “More… Shinji-kun, p-please ”Kaworu's breath came in ragged uneven gasps, “D-don’t hold back.”

“Fuck!” Shinji cursed, and Kaworu's cock twitched, did he enjoy defiling such an innocent creature? Shinji pulled out of Kaworu again, but this time he gripped him by his hips and snapped back into him much harder than before. Kaworu cried out loudly as Shinji hit something inside him that made a white-hot sensation flood through him. Any coherent thoughts fled him as Shinji pounded into him hitting that spot again and again. 

“Yes Shinji! T-there-!” the usual honorific was dropped, forgotten as Shinji fucked him. His toes curled, his back arched, and he was pure heat, there was only Shinji, the sound of skin slapping against skin, of labored breathing and cries of ecstasy, he could think of nothing else. 

_Shinji-kun, Shinji-kun, Shinji-kun…_

“Say it- say it again Kaworu-!” Shinji rasped out.

Kaworu dug his fingernails into Shinji’s shoulders, “I love you... I love you Shinji-kun,” he whispered it again and again, over and over as Shinji thrust into him. Shinji held onto him tightly, like was scared he might disappear at any moment. His thrusts became erratic and somehow Kaworu knew this wouldn't much longer. He felt it too, a tension, a blazing fire burning inside him ready and begging to be unleashed.

“S-Shinji I-I’m-!” he wasn't even sure what he'd been trying to say, but Shinji understood him, he reached down between them and took Kaworu in his hand. Shinji stroked him only a few times before he was gone, He could no longer hold himself back, didn't want to hold back anymore, he allowed the tense pressure in him to come undone and a euphoria crashed over him as he writhed and mewled under Shinji. 

“Hnn…! Kaworu-!” Kaworu was still trembling, still coming down when Shinji cried out, and a shiver racked his body as he came before he collapsed on top of him, arms no longer strong enough to hold himself up.

_Yes Shinji-kun, I'm yours…_

Shinji buried his face in the crook of Kaworu's neck, and his breathing became unlabored and quiet. _He fell asleep._ Kaworu knew he had somewhere to be but he didn't care. He didn't fight the urge to close his eyes and drift off into a light sleep with Shinji laid in his arms.

 

###### 

 

Warm water sprayed against Shinji's skin as Kaworu palmed pleasantly at his scalp. His apartment had a tiny walk-in shower and he had insisted on cleaning up after their earlier… activity. Shinji could already feel the blood rushing up to his face at the thought.

_I did something like that… with Kaworu-kun._ Images of Kaworu flashed in his mind, of him splayed out underneath him crying out his name, perfect porcelain skin slick with a thin sheen of sweat… 

“What are you thinking about Shinji-kun?” Kaworu whispered against his ear, arms wrapping around his middle.

“U-um nothing-!” he stammered, trying his best to hide his obvious arousal. 

Kaworu chuckled “You're really cute,” he finished rinsing his hair and turned the water off before stepping out of the almost too small shower. 

Shinji watched him as he dried himself off, eyes studying his lithe form. Dark purple marks stood out against the ivory skin of his neck, and there were bruises on his hips from where he had held him too tightly.

Shinji frowned, “I'm sorry…”

“Hm? For what?” Kaworu cocked his head at him curiously.

Shinji bit his lip and turned his head down, “Your neck… the bruises…”

Kaworu touched a particularly dark mark on his neck “What, this?” he smiled brightly at Shinji, “There’s no need to apologize Shinji-kun, Its proof, and a reminder, I’m grateful for it.”

Shinji couldn’t help but smile, “Kaworu-kun, You’re doing it again.”

“Doing what?”

“Making me feel… like this, you’re amazing.” 

Kaworu turned to him and swept his fingers across his cheek, “No, you're the amazing one Shinji-kun. Now come, let's get dressed.”

Shinji glanced at the clock as he slipped on his t-shirt and trousers, it was only a little after seven in the morning, and it must have been at least a couple hours since Kaworu had originally woken him up. Much earlier than he’d thought. 

Like always, Kaworu could take one look at him and read him like an open book.“It's early right? I’m sorry for waking you at such an hour, forgive me.” 

_There it is again, he looks… sad. Why?_ But he didn’t ask, he wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer.

“Oh, no it’s o-” he’d started on the buttons of his shirt but Kaworu brushed his hands away and began working on them himself. “K-Kaworu-kun you don't have to- I can-”

“I know, but please, allow me,” Shinji’s face went pink as Kaworu did up the buttons on his shirt. They had already been this close several times already, but it still made Shinji's heart flutter. 

_How could someone like you love someone like me?_ Strips of light filtered in from the blinds and scattered across Kaworu's face catching his eyes and making them shine a brilliant ruby. Shinji's breath caught in his throat. _Beautiful…_ Shinji lifted his hand and grazed his fingertips against Kaworu’s jaw, he paused his work on Shinji's shirt and their eyes met.

“Can I kiss you?” Shinji asked softly.

Kaworu smirked, “You’re asking me permission for that now?” Shinji’s face burned but he resisted the urge to away from him, “Of course you can Shinji-kun, I would like that.”

Shinji slid his hand to the back of Kaworu's neck, pulling him in gently, and their lips met in a tender kiss. Kaworu circled his arms around him, and Shinji felt a pleasant warmth well up inside him. He thought just maybe he could get used to this. 

Shinji desperately wanted to do something, anything to repay Kaworu for all the kindness he’d shown him. He wanted to let him know just a little, how much he appreciated him. He could tell he seemed quite tired, it was a bit embarrassing to admit he’d noticed such a thing, but he didn't seem as graceful in his movements as he had the day before. Had he not slept well? Or had Shinji worn him out…? He quickly banished that thought from his mind before he could dwell on it for too long. Perhaps there was something small he could do for him now.

“Hey, Kaworu-kun you’re still tired right?” Kaworu rose his brows like he was a bit surprised Shinji had picked up on it.

“It seems as though I’ve underestimated your perceptive abilities, but you needn’t worry yourself with me,” he replied with that familiar soft smile.

“But please, you've done so much for me and I haven't been able to do anything for you at all,” Shinji had thought he'd react like that, it seemed to be in his nature to put himself second, “Do you like coffee?”

Kaworu pondered for a moment before answering, “I've never had it before.”

“Huh really?” Shinji hadn't expected that. He figured most people had at least tried it once, but he couldn't deny that Kaworu was a bit out of the ordinary.

“I didn't have access to a lot of luxuries including things like coffee or tea,” he was still smiling, but that sounded sad to Shinji.

_Just what kind of place did he grow up in?_ He wanted to ask, but he didn't want to pry.

“Well… I was just wondering if I could make you some?” he knew he must be blushing again, it was almost a constant while in Kaworu’s presence.

Kaworu hesitated, he took a glance at the clock before speaking, “Shinji-kun I really have to-” he paused and knitted his brows together.

_Of course, he has things to do that's why he got up so early…_ Shinji knew it was stupid, but couldn’t help but feel disappointed. He tried his best to sound unbothered, “Don’t worry about it Kaworu-kun, I understand if you have somewhere to-” 

“No. It can wait,” Kaworu interrupted, Shinji was curious what exactly he was meant to be doing, but he was too excited to want to ask questions, and he didn't want him to change his mind.

Kaworu didn’t have a proper kitchen, but it would do. His apartment was a lot like Rei’s now that Shinji thought about it, very small with sterile white tiles in the bathroom and kitchen, minimal furnishing. It almost reminded him of a hospital room, but despite what most people would probably find to be an unwelcoming atmosphere Shinji already felt more at home here than he had anywhere else.

The tiny kitchen had a coffee maker, and Shinji had been hoping that there would have been some complimentary coffee provided, so he was relieved when he found some after digging around in the drawers for a few moments. It wasn't exactly a difficult or interesting task to make a cup of coffee, but Kaworu was sat on the bed watching him intently.

_I can't understand why he thinks I'm so interesting… but it is cute._ Shinji smiled. That also seemed to be becoming a constant around Kaworu.

Shinji retrieved two cups while he waited, it wouldn't take long to finish. Shinji personally preferred his coffee with cream, but black was doable as well, and since Kaworu didn't seem to have anything like cream or sugar he hoped he wouldn't mind the bitter taste. 

“People usually drink this in the morning right? When they’re tired?” Kaworu eventually inquired.

_He really has never had it,_ “yeah that’s right, or just because it becomes a habit for some people too,” Shinji replied as he poured the now finished coffee. Shinji took both mugs in his hands and made his way over to the bed to sit next to Kaworu. “Here Kaworu-kun,” Shinji said offering him his, “I hope you like it, it’ll probably be a little strong though.”

“I’m sure I’ll enjoy anything you made for me,” Kaworu said sweetly. 

_Cute…_ He thought again, But he couldn't push the feelings of nervousness and anticipation surfacing inside him as Kaworu brought the cup to his lips. _This is so stupid, it's just a cup of coffee I shouldn't feel this nervous about it, I've made it hundreds of times before. It's not li-_

“It's wonderful Shinji-kun, thank you,” Kaworu's words snapped him out of his thoughts, “I truly do find it regrettable that I'd never tried it before,” Shinji was relieved that he'd liked it. It felt good to know that he'd done something nice for someone, but at the same time, he also noticed that familiar warmth flaring in his cheeks at his too kind words.

“O-oh it's nothing you don't have to thank me.”

“But of course I do,” Kaworu placed his free hand on Shinji’s knee, “It’s important for people to know they’re appreciated.”

Shinji couldn't find the right words to express his gratitude to Kaworu, so he simply placed his hand on top of Kaworu's. A small gesture, but a meaningful one. They sat together in a comfortable silence, hands joined as they finished their coffee.

“Didn't you have somewhere to be Kaworu-kun?” both had been finished with their drinks for some time now, and Shinji wondered why he didn't seem to be in any rush to leave considering his earlier response.

“No Shinji-kun, I'm afraid I was mistaken,” Kaworu squeezed his hand as he spoke, his tone was incredibly soft, “Today, the only thing I have to do is keep showing you how much I love you.”

A fuzzy warm feeling blossomed inside Shinji, “I love you Kaworu-kun,” he said the words almost without thinking, and it felt right like this was exactly the way things were supposed to be.

“I love you too, Shinji-kun.”

### 

**Author's Note:**

> I debated about the ending of this fic for a while, and originally I was going to make it sad, but as I was writing I thought why not make it optimistic? So many KawoShin fics are tragic and heartbreaking and while I love a lot of those fics I decided to go with something a little happier.
> 
> Also, top Shinji because the world definitely needs more of that~
> 
> I have never ever written smut before this fic, and this is also my first time writing a fic at all in years so please forgive me for any weird structure or word choice. Unfortunately, I was unable to find anyone to beta read this. I checked over it multiple times but I still could have missed something so apologies if I did.


End file.
